Reflections on being single

On June 3rd, 2023, I had the joy of getting married…for the first time…just shy of my 38th birthday. And even though getting married at 38 is not even rare anymore, it’s still something I never really envisioned for my life. Like many Millennials, I grew up expecting to get married sometime in my 20’s, because that’s what people usually did “back then.” (It didn’t help that I went to one of those “ring by spring” colleges, if you know what I mean.) Though being single created space for many amazing adventures, if I’m honest, it was also quite difficult at times – figuring out how to plan for a different future than I had expected, having to build community in less conventional ways, addressing the deeper relational needs we all have. And the hardest part was that I often felt like the struggles were either unseen or misunderstood. As I reflect on my own journey, I’ve jotted down some things I wish more people knew about being single when you’re older(-ish) in life, because we still don’t talk about it enough. I know I represent just one story and experience, but hopefully it can provide some perspective and room for more conversations. 

What I wish people knew about being single:

Empathy is better than pity

There are a lot of difficult things that can come with being single. Loneliness is real. Often, you may have less relational or financial stability. You simply don’t fit within the social norms, which can be tricky. And sometimes, it feels like your life as a single entity is just not as important or valuable as someone who is married or has a family. (Let’s be real, who’s getting the last spot on the lifeboat – a single person with no attachments or a mother of two?)

But what can make things worse is when people pity you – when they feel bad for you in a way that’s belittling. This can look like comparing your experience with their (often shorter and always temporary) time of being single, or giving trite solutions, like “when you’re not focusing on it, it will happen.”  These responses often convey the underlying message that 1) They would not want to be in your position, and 2) Being married is better.

I often resisted sharing about the hard things, because I didn’t want that pity. I simply wanted to be understood. I wanted empathy. I wanted people to see that it was complex – that just because being single at times made life harder, it didn’t make life less valuable or beautiful. And just because I did have the hope of getting married, it didn’t mean I regretted my years of being single. The differences are subtle, but so important. Empathy asks questions and seeks to understand, while pity makes assumptions. Empathy leans in; pity creates distance. 

Some of the hardest times socially are birthdays, holidays, and big events.

As we know, these kinds of events can be difficult for many people, for many reasons. For those who are single, it can be challenging because it often means you don’t have a default person or people. Take birthdays, for instance. I never wanted to do anything “big” on my birthday…but I knew it was better if I did something. I dreaded it every year, because I didn’t have a default person or plan; I had to figure it out every time. It’s such a relief now, knowing that even if I don't plan anything in particular, I won’t be alone. With holidays and big events, it’s easy to simply fall through the cracks. You’re the person left out of the carpool coordination, or the one left partnerless for the theme park rides. They’re all things you get used to, but it means the world when someone notices or purposely includes you.

Living life with others

While the big events and holidays are important, so is the other end of the spectrum – everyday life. When you’re single, most times of connecting are planned gatherings or coffee dates where you’re “catching up” with one another. But you know what I really longed for? People I could do nothing with. Times when I could just be around people, even if we were doing our own thing. For me, it was a treasure to have those friends who would let me come over and simply join their normal lives – no agenda, nothing special planned. Sometimes people feel like they have to prepare something in particular or have a clean house to be a good host, but oftentimes, it’s our presence that can be the greatest gift. 

Personal touch.

I have never thought of myself as a super touchy person, but when you don’t have those natural moments for personal touch –  yes, more intimate affection, but also simply hugs, or a hand on a shoulder, etc. – you realize how important it is. Many of us realized this during the pandemic too. Of course, we all have different needs and capacities, so I’m sure this bothers some single people more than others. It’s just something to keep in mind. I remember a friend telling me once that hugging is good for our emotional and physical health, and that if you’re single, it can even help to give yourself hugs! That always stuck with me, and it validated my experience – we were made for that kind of connection with others. There is certainly a good amount of evidence linking frequent hugs with all sorts of things like decreased stress and blood pressure, improved immune system, and increased happiness (some sources here and here). So if you have single friends and loved ones (who don’t mind physical touch), just remember that a simple hug can go a long way.  

To sum it all up

We’ve all seen the trend of people getting married later in life, or not at all, and I think we’re all learning what this means for us individually and as families and communities. Hopefully these thoughts provide some insight into how to support and include those in your life who may be single – or outside of the social norm in some way. I truly mean it when I say that I’m happy that I didn’t get married any sooner, and at the same time, those years of being single were a mix of complex emotions, desires, and needs. May we recognize that we all have something to offer one another in every season of life – different kinds of wisdom, perspectives, and resources that come with our varied experiences and life phases. Please feel free to add to the conversation your own thoughts and experiences on this topic; it helps us understand even more.